Why High Achievers Overextend—and How to Break the Cycle

Julia was a director of engineering at a Fortune 500 company, a mother of two, and a caregiver for her aging mother. Her life was a whirlwind of work deadlines, doctor appointments, and organizing elaborate birthday parties and other social commitments. Despite her accomplishments, Julia felt perpetually behind and emotionally drained.

Many of us could relate to Julia’s story.

Why We Overextend Ourselves

While growing up, we are taught to share our resources, care for others, attend to our responsibilities, and delay gratification. These values shaped us into productive, reliable individuals. But eventually, as successful adults, when we double down on putting external expectations ahead of personal well-being, we push ourselves into depletion and burnout.

Delayed gratification, for example, is often celebrated as a cornerstone of success. It’s the ability to resist immediate rewards in favor of long-term goals—studying for a test instead of watching TV, saving money instead of spending impulsively, or finishing work before relaxing. This skill is crucial for achieving milestones, but when overemphasized, it can train us to ignore our immediate needs entirely.

This mindset is part of what developmental psychology calls the socialized self—a stage where our sense of identity is shaped by societal norms, relationships, and the approval of others. While this stage helps us integrate into our families and communities, staying in this mindset indefinitely can lead to overextending ourselves to meet external expectations.

This mindset can make self-care feel like another obligation—a chore to check off a never-ending to-do list. Instead of providing relief, the idea of self-care can feel burdensome or even selfish, further deepening the cycle of burnout.

Shifting to a Sustainable Model of Success

The solution lies in evolving beyond the socialized self. To create sustainable and fulfilling success, we need to shift from working for validation and personal achievement toward a mindset of collaboration aiming at collective win and well-being. This shift involves moving into more advanced stages of development, as described below (Ref: Adult Development Map by Jennifer Garvey Berger):

The Self-Authoring Stage
At this stage, individuals create their own internal value system. Instead of relying on societal expectations, they make decisions based on personal principles and long-term goals. It’s about finding clarity on what truly matters and aligning actions with those values.
The Self-Transforming Stage
The most advanced stage involves seeing the world as interconnected and dynamic. Here, people embrace complexity, value collaboration, and recognize that no single perspective has all the answers. It’s about growth, flexibility, and leveraging collective intelligence.

Please note that the stages often do not have a clear transition; we have the earlier stages inside us like a Russian nested doll. And I am not saying that one stage is necessarily better. However, as we live in a demanding, complex world, expanding our mindset can help us have a bigger perspective to solve issues more gracefully.

A Real-Life Example: Julia’s Story

Remember Julia, who I mentioned earlier? Through coaching, Julia realized she needed to shift her mindset. She let go of the belief that she had to manage everything herself. Instead, she learned to ask for help and rely more on her team’s ideas and abilities.

At work, she empowered her team by granting them greater autonomy and guiding them to solve problems independently. In her personal life, she began seeking input and support from her spouse, children, and siblings. By setting realistic expectations, establishing boundaries, and delegating responsibilities, Julia was able to protect her time and energy. This sustainable approach left her feeling more energized and capable and allowed her to approach life’s demands with greater quality and fulfillment. Both her family and her team thrived as a result of her transformative shift.

Practical Steps to Shift Your Approach

If you’re feeling stuck in the cycle of overwork and burnout, here are some steps to help you shift:

Reassess Your Priorities: Identify what truly matters to you and those you care about rather than what you feel obligated to do.
Embrace Collaboration: Delegate tasks, rely on others, and build support systems.
Set Boundaries: Learn to say no or set realistic expectations for tasks or commitments that drain your energy without adding value.
Redefine Success: Focus on fulfillment and sustainability rather than external validation.

Conclusion

Moving beyond hustling and burnout requires more than adding self-care practices to your to-do list. It’s about evolving your mindset and approach to life. By shifting from a framework of hard work and external validation to one of collaboration and collective growth, you can create a life that is not only successful but also sustainable and deeply fulfilling.