Facing Results vs. Relationships Tension? The Answer is to Integrate, Not Choose

Soren was recently promoted to a new leadership role, managing some of his former peers. One of them had also been a contender for the same position. Determined to excel, Soren committed to giving his best effort. He relied on his tried-and-true method of thorough preparation, getting straight to the point without wasting time, hoping to appear competent and in control. However, he quickly noticed that his team members were reluctant to engage, leaving him feeling disconnected and frustrated.

This tension between achieving results and nurturing relationships is a common challenge for leaders. Many believe you can’t be kind if you hold people accountable for results. This false dichotomy often leads to unapproachable behavior, where leaders focus solely on outcomes, leaving both parties feeling they’re falling short in their roles.

The Common Myth: Results or Relationships—Not Both

The idea that leaders must choose between results and relationships is a persistent myth. When leaders adopt this mindset, they inadvertently distance themselves and their teams. Both sides work hard but feel they’re not doing enough to meet each other’s expectations.

In reality, results happen at the speed of trust (the quote is attributed to Stephen Covey). Leadership is not a choice between outcomes and connections; it’s about balancing both. The most effective results occur when relationships enable collaboration and trust.

Leadership Isn’t Transactional—It’s Co-Creative

Tension arises when leaders and team members engage in transactional interactions, thinking that’s how teamwork works. However, leadership and teamwork are more like chemical compounds than simple mixtures. When we combine trust and accountability, we create something greater than the sum of its parts.

Many performance evaluation processes still reward individuals rather than collaborative efforts, reinforcing the old mindset of “I need to prove myself.” This creates internal pressure, where leaders hyper-focus on themselves, trying to meet expectations based on past experiences of what “good” looks like. As a result, they often miss the bigger picture—the needs and perspectives of their team members.

This approach is like throwing spaghetti at the wall, hoping something will stick. Without true connection, efforts to lead fall flat.

Shifting from Transactions to Co-Creation

So, how do we shift from transactional leadership to co-creating success with our teams? It starts with managing our own internal pressure and opening ourselves to connection.

Manage Your Internal Pressure
Leadership begins with self-awareness. When leaders are under pressure to perform, losing sight of others is easy. Mindfulness practices, self-care, and emotional intelligence (EQ) coaching can help leaders manage their own stress and stay grounded.
Pause Performance Thinking and Focus on the Connection
Shift your focus from performance metrics to building genuine relationships. Instead of seeing yourself and your team members through a purely performance-focused lens (head-based), engage in heart-based conversation. This means learning about and from each other, sharing hopes and concerns with empathy and compassion, and suspending judgment.
Co-Create the Conversation and Outcome
Rather than giving direct instructions, establish the parameters and involve your team in shaping the process. This means actively listening to understand before responding as you guide the team toward the desired outcome. Prominent American philosopher Martin Buber used a metaphor of a child born to two parents. Just as the child is a unique third entity, different from either parent, a co-created conversation is a distinct outcome shaped by the input of everyone involved rather than being solely driven by one person.
Agree on an Accountability process. Instead of dictating terms, ask your team members how they plan to keep you informed and involve them in setting mutual expectations. Questions like, “How can we make this work for both of us?” or “How would you prefer to update me on your progress?” can help open the conversation. Co-create an agreement that works for both sides and remain flexible, ready to adjust as you gain more experience with the process.

These steps aren’t linear—while listening, you’ll likely think about your own inner pressures and responsibilities. Balancing performance and connection is a constant, ongoing process. It requires leaders to manage their thoughts and emotions in real-time, keeping the conversation focused on collaboration rather than control.

When Soren applied this approach to his team, he noticed a significant shift. Over time, his team members became more open and receptive, and their conversations felt lighter and less stressful. Soren himself felt more connected and less burdened by the need to “prove” his leadership.

By embracing both results and relationships, leaders can create environments where trust, collaboration, and optimal outcomes naturally coexist. Leadership isn’t about choosing one over the other—it’s about co-creating a space where both thrive together.