Communication,  Emotional Intelligence,  EQ,  Executive Presence,  Happiness,  Self-leadership,  Stress Management,  Work-life integration

Why the Advice to “Set Boundaries” is Hard to Follow—and What to Do Instead

“Set a boundary.”
“Just say no.”
“No is a complete sentence.”

Every time I hear this well-meaning advice, I cringe. It sounds simple, but taken literally, it feels like I’m being told to be rude in order to protect myself. For someone who values kindness and relationships, this advice feels like a contradiction. How can I honor myself if it means dishonoring my values?

I know many of us feel the same way. There are cultural and personal maturity factors at play, and a one-size-fits-all solution simply doesn’t work. Over time, I’ve developed a more authentic approach to setting healthy boundaries—one that allows me to respect my values while still taking care of myself.

Why Do We Reach the Point Where Boundary Setting Feels Necessary?

The need to set boundaries often arises when we’ve overcommitted ourselves. It usually starts when we seek validation from those we admire or feel a power imbalance. We take on more than we can manage, hoping to prove our worth or avoid damaging our credibility, relationships, and future opportunities. But such behavior often leads to feelings of overwhelm, resentment, and, eventually, burnout.

As our responsibilities pile up, we may feel like victims, expecting others to notice our struggles. When they don’t, we grow resentful. The advice to “just say no” feels impossible because it conflicts with our belief that doing more makes us valuable.

In an attempt to cope, we start prioritizing in unhealthy ways—neglecting those closest to us because the damage seems less significant. However, this hurts our well-being and distances us from those we care about the most.

What’s a Better Approach? Start Small, Experiment, and Adjust

Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be a hard, transactional “no.” Instead, take a collaborative approach—engage in open conversations where both parties can work toward a mutually beneficial outcome.

Rather than a simple request-response dynamic, think of it as a request-conversation-co-creation approach, where both sides contribute to a solution.

1. Recognize the Need for Change

The first step is to recognize the signs of overwhelm: stress, resentment, exhaustion, and burnout. Complaining may provide temporary relief but won’t change your circumstances.

Instead, reflect on where you have the power to make even small changes. Boundaries aren’t about rejecting others—they’re about protecting your well-being so you can show up more fully for the things that matter most.

2. Where Do You Have Power?

Not all relationships carry the same dynamics. In corporate environments, hierarchies often dictate how much power we feel we have. In some cultures, particularly Eastern cultures, elders or senior figures may hold more authority, making it harder to push back.

We often resent these dynamics but fear the repercussions of expressing our feelings.

3. Where to Start

Like any new skill, setting boundaries requires practice. Start with low-risk situations:

  1. Experiment with low-stakes relationships: Choose a friend, family member, or peer at work where the stakes are lower.
  2. Prepare in advance: Make a list of the types of requests you’re willing to negotiate on. Having a plan makes it easier to assess situations when they arise.
  3. Pause before responding: When we are used to saying “yes” to requests, it takes conscious effort to change our behavior. A simple pause could help us break the habit cycle and use our thoughtful response.
  4. Practice empathy: When setting a boundary, begin with a statement like, “I understand this is important to you, and I’d love to help, but I have other commitments right now.” Consider suggesting other resources or solutions. This approach shows that you care while also being mindful of your limits.

When dealing with managers and colleagues, engage in a priority conversation. Discuss your workload and ask for help in reprioritizing tasks. If you’d prefer to take on a request later, negotiate a different time.

Observe the Response

You might be surprised by how understanding people can be. Not everyone will react negatively, and those who respect your boundaries will likely respect you even more for setting them. It will give you the confidence to continue and adjust your practice.

What If You’ve Already Committed?

If you’ve already said “yes” to something but are now struggling to handle it, it’s not too late to course-correct. Go back to the person, explain your current situation, and offer an alternative solution or timeline. Honesty and transparency can strengthen relationships rather than harm them.

Practice and Reflect

Give yourself time to practice this new approach. Over the next few weeks, observe how boundary setting affects your relationships and your own sense of peace. Notice how it lightens your load and helps you regain control over your time and energy.

Don’t Go Alone: It Takes a Village

In Western culture, there’s a lot of emphasis on personal responsibility, but boundary setting doesn’t have to be a solo effort. Enlist the help of your well-wishers—friends, family, colleagues, or even your manager. They can support you by stepping in when they notice you’re over-committing and reminding you to protect your time and well-being.

Conclusion

Setting boundaries is not about being selfish or unkind—it’s about maintaining a balance that allows you to grow and thrive without depleting yourself. By experimenting with small steps, engaging in empathetic conversations, and seeking support from your community, you can create healthy boundaries that honor your values and relationships. Remember,

Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re guidelines that help you preserve your energy, nurture your relationships, and honor what truly matters to you and those you care about.


Want to create meaningful boundaries? Download this free Workbook or Schedule a strategy call with coach Sharmin to get started.

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